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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Yes, we have one or two bananas.

You may be aware that we are getting married. We are lassoing one another into the yoke of life, and we'll pull together toward a common goal. Every once in a while we'll let one another slip out of the harness so that we can stretch, and regain our footing. An example? R did all the laundry over the weekend and hung tons of clothes that were packed. I hate this job. She gifted me, bless her.

There's a lot of stress right now. Silly people, we decided to have a commitment ceremony a month directly following a move into a new old house. Actually the house was the easier of the two to arrange. I have some angst about the wedding. I know that it will be hard for some people to deal with: some will attend joyfully, some will attend reluctantly, and some won't attend at all. Some people that I care deeply about will have reservations and won't be able to overcome their own personal "ick" factor. For others it will be about religious reasons. There are wonderful people in our lives that we wouldn't trade for anything, and if they just can't go, they can't go. They will be missed, but I'd rather have them be comfortable at home, than uncomfortable at our Big Event. I'd never realized how special and important it makes the betrothed feel to have all these amazing people celebrate with you on that day. I'm more worried about R than for myself - not that she's fragile - she has a tough core - but she's had people drop out of her life the last few years when they saw fit to judge her for her choices.

Am I a culprit? Yes. I'm a different person now than I was 10, 5, 2 years ago. I spent a lot of time nursing my own "ick" factor, judging and winnowing people that I didn't want anything to do with. Even now, I don't spend any time at all loving people that I have deemed unworthy. I'm reading the news right now, and it makes my blood boil. Where's my brotherly love? Where's my forgiveness? How do I forgive child molesters, family killers, complete ruined shells that have only the power to take from others? Can't I pass that job onto God? He's got it in Him, right, not me. I'm small and hard and set and I have a job and a family to protect, and how am I supposed to find time to pray for criminals? And so the question is - what if I don't? What if the whole world stops praying for the undeserving? Is that what's happening? We've all sequestered ourselves into these groups of "I'm ok, you're not ok" and we go along in life, and just keep separating, moving away, and the weak drop off, and usually take innocence with them.

Do any of us deserve grace? Well, no. Not from the Lord, and maybe not from each other. Maybe it remains a gift. There's a lot of back and forth about the world, and what God wants from us, and how we should behave. Everyone has their own agenda, their own interpretations, and I suppose I do as well. For all of my mistakes in life, and my hopes, failures, joys, I pray that I am always grateful.

Regardless, I choose love. So whoever you are, reading this, thank God for you.